Brokenness

I would say that it has been a long time weakness of mine that I trust in my own strength in many situations. Some might even say that I am prone to a bit of arrogance or preachiness. In error I might have disagreed in the past.

As I say goodbye to 2013 I reflect on what I have been learning in life and through my studies and can safely say that this part of myself is being challenged more deeply than any other year. Like that song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns I have been foolish enough to think that I am standing when I should have been watching where I was stepping.

Not for nothing is the gate to eternal life described as being narrow.

All of those warning to guard our hearts and our tongues and to be careful whose footsteps we follow and where our treasure lies. Those are not just warning for others. They are warnings for me and you.

As I shared with a friend a week or two ago 2013 has been a year of refining for me. My weaknesses have been tested. My resolve tried. If there was an aspect of life where I could be found wanting it has been examined. This Christmas has been a time of reflection and reordering. I arrive at 2014 with a better understanding of what really matters in life and how that affects my spiritual life.

The first half of 2013 was about stress and change. I am sad to say that the second half of 2013 was all about business. I lost track of the journey towards Christ which is the central focus of all that is worthwhile in life. Pouring myself into earthly things my soul stopped soaring with joy at the touch of the Spirit and became dry and cold.

Why do I feel safe in speaking about this in such a public way? Perhaps it is because this is God's work in me and I want to give testimony to His love and patience and kindness. I could easily say that ministry is not for me as a I am not perfect enough or strong enough. I have seen enough of what ministry is to understand that no-one is. Who can possibly endure the difficulties of ministry without being truly reliant on someone other than themselves?

My strength matters little.

      His grace is sufficient.

I approach 2014 having spent a year being tested and broken. This year I intend to allow myself to be carried when I can no longer walk. To continue with silent resolve when abandoned. In everything to follow Jesus more closely and reflect His glory and strength and life giving love.